Trust, surrender, illuminate

I bumped into a friend last week while out walking the dog. It has been a time of decisions, distancing and putting herself first. I know it has been really difficult, yet something very beautiful is happening. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't use the word 'beautiful' to describe her situation, would probably use 'heartbreaking' and 'confusing'. The beautiful part is how close to the surface her emotions are, washing over her moment by moment, tears then laughter then straight back to tears followed by deep sighs. All the feels, all at the same time, like being on one of those crazy rides at the show where you are swept up and then down and spun around and you don't know whether to squeal or sob or vomit. Possibly all three. As hard and as awful as it is, there is such cathartic value in letting it out rather than pushing in down, letting it sit in the belly like a stone.

We talked about being in a tunnel, where you can't see the light at the end. As with most things, there is a choice. She can turn back. She can keep going. But she can't stay in the tunnel indefinitely. With each emotional release, a step is taken deeper into the unknown. More tears, more moments of solitude appreciating the simplest of things. Asking for what she wants. A growing self-compassion, turning towards herself with kindness and gentleness.

So many natural tunnels on the Camino Primitivo

This recent article in The Conversation offers insight into how coping styles may affect our physical and mental health:

'For generations, women have been encouraged to care for others and maintain harmony in relationships – valuable and much-needed qualities. But they can come at a personal cost when women feel unable to express their own needs alongside them.

Understanding the links between social expectations, emotional expression and health may open up important conversations about how we can best support women to care for others without abandoning themselves.' Lowri Dowthwaite-Walsh

It is that last line, 'without abandoning themselves', that really resonated. How often are we asked to do something, help someone, or get interrupted while doing our own thing, and had to hush the voice inside that would love to say 'Not now/I can't/I don't want to/you sort it out' but know that it is not worth the disappointment or judgement of others? We care. Sometimes, we care more about what others will think rather than valuing what we want or need. Often the problem is that we have spent so much time tending to others that we don't know what we want, so it seems mean-spirited to say 'no'. Having a whole day or week or year to please ourselves? Terrifying for some, a pipe dream for others. But, for an increasing number of women, a brave step in an unknown direction, a 'choose your own adventure' tale of their own making. Their story. Their life.

I will leave you with these words by Dana Faulds:

Trust the energy that courses through you.

Trust, then take surrender even deeper.

Be the energy. Don’t push anything away.

Follow each sensation back to its source

in vastness and pure presence.

Emerge so new, so fresh

you don’t know who you are.

Welcome the season of monsoons.

Be the bridge across the flooded river

and the surging torrent underneath.

Be unafraid of consummate wonder.

Be the energy and blaze a trail

across the clear night sky like lightning.

Dare to be your own illumination.

Trust, surrender and illuminate, lovelies.

With love,

❤️

Amanda xx