This is the thing about yoga. Whilst the physical practice does a pretty good job of keeping me mobile and comfortable in my skin, it is the mental and spiritual work that does all the heavy lifting. It is being able to sit with what is bothering me, and turn it over, like petals in my palm, and observe them from different angles.
I had a moment (let's be honest, it was a few hours) yesterday of agitation, and frustration with the choices that a family member was making. I was getting blustery and disappointed and bossy because things weren't going the way I wanted them to. That they weren't bending to my will. That what I wanted wasn't enough, and that they chose their own path despite my passive-aggressive pressure.
I wasn't proud of myself. I was quite teary. So, I turned to what I know works for me, time after time. I sat. I closed my eyes. I asked myself 'Why are you getting so bent out of shape about this?'. And as each answer bubbled to the surface, I asked why I felt that way. When I got to the crux of the matter, it was fear. I was fearful that they would be hurt. I was fearful that I wouldn't always be around to protect them. I was heartbreakingly aware of the fragility of life and at the same time the robustness of love. I had so many conflicting emotions - I wanted to hang on, but knew I had to let go.
So I cupped my hands, fingertips pressed together with a space between the palms. And I slowly peeled them open, one fingertip at a time, and let them rest in my lap. The container of my palms could be viewed in two ways. I could see them as opening and letting go, releasing. At the same time, they could be opening to receive and welcome back.
I realised that in holding on too tight I might protect, but I may also crush and stifle. In learning to loosen I am building trust and respect, and it is a reminder that my way is not the only way. It pains me and annoys me that I am still learning this at 52!
A bendy body is useful. A bendy mind, one that can look around corners and see another point of view, is even better. A few minutes of quiet, honest contemplation with myself has so often given me the answer that I need. It is not always the one I want - rarely is it someone else that needs to change.
We are complicated humans living alongside each other, doing the best we can. We all have different values, priorities, and expectations. Shine the light of enquiry upon yourself first, and see if you already have the answer you are seeking.
With love,
Amanda xx
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