What are your values? I listened to an excellent episode of The Imperfects podcast last week, which explored values and how important they are if we want to lead a life that is authentic and true. But how do we know what our values are? And how do we know when we are out of value alignment?
Values can be defined as principles that guide our lives and shape who we are. They can act as an internal compass to guide us towards what is important in life. Here is a great list by James Clear, author of Atomic Habits. It is not exhaustive but provides a useful place to start. You may read a particular value and think it should be important to you - the word should is a red flag that indicates you may be choosing it for external validation, rather than being true to yourself.
This is a pretty big topic, and one that can get uncomfortable. It is easy to write this now, but if I had tried about 10 years ago I would have deflected and ducked and run away.
I remember a yoga class at the time where the teacher handed out slips of paper and suggested we write down a value of ours and slide it under our mats, let that be the intention for the class. It's a lovely idea, one I may use at some stage. Anyway, she threw out a few words as suggestions, mentioned that hers was ‘freedom’. And I literally had no idea that was a thing. I felt trapped in a marriage that had become toxic and unstable, and was trapped by my tendencies of people-pleasing and trying to keep up the illusion of a happy family, a happy life.
It all imploded, as these things do, in a spectacular manner, leaving me skinny and scared and sleepless. One of the most confronting yet life-changing comments at the time was ‘Okay, he’s clearly a d***head. But what was your part in all this?’ If you have any inkling of my backstory, the initial response will probably be ‘None!’ But of course, inaction is a choice. Inaction is an action. In being out of alignment with the simplest of marriage values, such as respect and honesty, I had played my part.
Afterwards, in quiet moments, especially when deepening my yoga practice, that word, that value of freedom would settle in my mind. And I took it on as my own, adding optimism, creativity, courage and balance to the list. But it took time, years, and I had to continually ask the question ‘What is important to me?’ and then honestly check in and make sure it was my own and not another's. Habits of a lifetime are hard to break.
I can feel in my body when I am not living my values. It feels icky, and I get all up in my head, overthinking and re-hashing conversations, wishing I had behaved differently, or made another choice. It feels like a constant process of recalibration.
An interesting, possibly confronting, way of getting closer to your values is to imagine you have a year to live. What would you lean into? How would you show up? What would you discard? How do you want to feel?
It’s not woo-woo. It’s not silly. It is being in your own corner, and holding your own hand as you ride the roller coaster of this one precious life.
It is self-care of the highest order ❤️
Much love,
Amanda xx
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